Truth
by Lil' Candy
Summary: Xander and Spike can't stand each other, why? A trip to a psychic enlightens the Scoobies and Xander and Spike. Oneshot. Not slash.


"Truth"

"Why don't we use the Chipped Wonder here as bait?" said Xander.

"Why don't you shut your gob?" answered Spike.

"Why are you even here, Spike? No one wants you here, not me, not Buffy, not anyone."

"You wanna know why I'm here, do ya? I'm here 'cause you're a bloody useless git, that's why. Let's roll call, shall we, slayer, witch, vampire, ex-demon, mystical key and what are you, whelp? I'll tell you what you are. Nothing! This group needs a man, and since the Watcher's hopped back across the pond and you're lacking a pair, I'm stepping in."

"You're not a man, you idiot! You're a thing. An evil, soulless thing."

"I was man enough for your bird."

"You son of a bitch!"

At this point Buffy tried to step in.

"Enough!" said Buffy, "Xander calm down. Spike grow up."

"I'll calm down, when he gets the hell out of here," said Xander.

"Why don't you make me?" said Spike.

"I'd love to."

"Silence!" cried Willow. Suddenly Xander opened his mouth to explain and he had no voice. Spike quickly realized he had the same dilemma. "This is a sacred place and you two are embarrassing yourselves and us." Willow turned to an old woman sitting in the center of the floor in the small shrine they were in. She was a black woman with thick grey dreadlocks, who looked to be about somewhere in her 60s or 70s. "We're so sorry. They don't mean any disrespect." The woman nodded silently. "Now, about our question. . ."

"Umm . . . Willow, I don't mean to interrupt, but I think you can give Xander and Spike they're voices back. They're getting all mime-like over here."

"Return," said Willow and two points of light went down Spike and Xander's throats allowing them to speak again.

"Now, about our question . . ." Willow started again.

"What are you looking at!" said Xander.

"A pathetic waste," said Spike.

"Xander and Spike, why can't you two get along for two minutes?" yelled Willow.

"Question accepted," said the old woman.

"What! No! That wasn't our question," said Willow, but it was too late.

The clairvoyant they had gone to see in an attempt to find a particularly dangerous new demon began her meditation. It only took a few minutes, but the eerie glow coming off of the woman made the Scoobies nervous. The glow subsided, but the old woman's eyes were still two orbs of light when she spoke.

"You didn't kill Jesse, Xander," she said.

"How do you . . ." started Xander, but then his lips began to tremble and the old memory returned, threatening vampire Jesse with the stake, not having any intention of actually staking him, the look on Jesse's face when the stake went through him, before he turned to dust.

"What?" said a stunned Willow.

"If Spike can change, if a vampire can be good, can become good, then maybe Jesse could, too, and if so, then Xander thinks he's a murderer. But you didn't kill Jesse, Xander, the Master did."

"Oh Xander," said Willow, her eyes beginning to water. Xander was visibly trying to hold back tears.

"I . . . I . . ." Xander stumbled, "I can't . . ." Xander tried to leave, but Willow grabbed his arm and forced him into a hug. Buffy looked on with sympathy and a little guilt.

"And William, he isn't you."

"What?" said Spike.

"When William looks at Xander, he sees the man he was once, when he was human. He sees the man he lost, and it hurts to get such constant rejection from that part of himself. But he isn't you William, and if you want that man back, you can have him, you can be him."

Spike was uncharacteristically speechless. He wanted to tell the old woman she had no idea what she was talking about, but he couldn't. He and everyone else knew she was telling the truth. All he could do was look at the floor. Dawn took his arm and smiled weakly at him. Spike couldn't look her in the eyes.

"Your question has been answered. I must go." The old woman gingerly got off the floor and disappeared in front of them in a bath of light.

The Scoobies made their way out of the shrine in silence. Dawn was still holding Spike's arm, while Willow and Buffy were comforting Xander. The Scoobies dispersed for the night, but one of them had trouble sleeping.

Xander was still awake about 3:30 in the morning. He had tried to forget what the old woman said, but couldn't, and unfortunately he couldn't forget Jesse either. Jesse was his friend since he was a small child and then he wasn't. Suddenly he was evil, and intent on murder and mayhem, and then, just as suddenly, he was dust. Xander got up and headed out. He knew where he was going, but didn't know why he was going there. It was probably the last place he needed to be, but something drove him to it.

Since Spike sleeps during the day, he was awake and drinking a carton of blood when Xander knocked. Spike motioned for him to come in and sit down, but neither said a word. They sat in silence for about five minutes until Spike spoke.

"I staked my mum," the vampire mumbled.

"What?"

"I staked my mum," Spike said louder, "We were very close, so when I was turned, I went back home and turned her. I thought we could be a family forever, but it didn't work out that way."

"Was she angry?" asked Xander.

"No, she was a demon, and she acted like a demon. She said some nasty things to me and then did some things she shouldn't have. So I staked her."

"Does it still hurt?" asked Xander.

"Everyday," whispered Spike, "I thought that when I staked her that part of my life was over. No more human ties or human frailties. Then I meet the Slayer and her group and I see up close a real family. I forgot that I had missed that."

"But I thought you, Angel, Drusilla, and Darla . . ."

"We could barely stand each other. Don't get me wrong, I loved Dru with my whole heart, it was that whole sire-childe bond, but believe it or not, vampires are rather dull people. When the killings over, there's nothing more than that. We didn't talk or joke or anything. That's why we kill again and again; it's the only way to feel alive."

"You miss being human?" asked Xander.

"Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I don't miss getting ill or hurt, but there are some things I wouldn't mind doing again, like feeling my heartbeat or seeing myself in a mirror."

"Do you think it hurts to get dusted?"

"I wouldn't know. I hope I don't find out, but I doubt there's much pain. It happens pretty quickly."

"Yeah, quick," Xander said to himself.

"But like the old bird said, your mate was already dead. Wasn't your fault."

"That doesn't stop it from hurting."

"No, I guess it doesn't."

The two men sat in another moment of silence before Spike broke it again.

"Jesse the first vampire you ever staked?"

"Yup. That's what made it real. I mean, even after I saw vampires, and found out who Buffy was; a part of me still didn't believe it. A part of me still felt like it was a dream, or a prank, or a story someone made up, but no. Jesse's gone, and he ain't coming back, ever."

"You wanna a drink?" asked Spike.

"Sure. We are talking alcohol here, right? This isn't an O-negative type of drink, right?"

"It's alcohol. Besides, I wouldn't share my good stuff with you even if you did drink it," said Spike with a smile. Xander smiled back, and Spike poured him a drink.

* * *

-all characters created and owned by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy


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